Cast of Characters

KAY       Mattress Magic Empire receptionist, can be played by any actor

LEE       Mattress Magic Empire customer, can be played by any actor

 

Scene

LEE’s disheveled bedroom and KAY’s office.

 

Time

The present or close to it.

 

Notes

This play is written to be presentable on livestream or in person. In both cases the characters are connecting over the phone and not video call. They should not see each other.

 

Lights up on LEE and KAY. LEE sits at home in a disheveled
bedroom or studio apartment eating takeout. LEE looks
tired. KAY is dressed in a logo-less business polo and wears
a headset. KAY’s location is fully nondescript. LEE dials
numbers on their cell phone. One single ring. KAY answers.

 

KAY

Mattress Magic Empire, we’ve got the spell for a full night’s rest. This is Kay! How may I help you?

LEE

(dropping a bite of food) Oh. Shit. Hold on.

KAY

Hello? Can you hear me?

LEE

One second. Damnit.

KAY

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. This is Mattress Magic Empire.

LEE

Yes, hi, sorry! I was eating some – normally places have a wait time and I – well, I dropped my food right in my lap and I –

KAY

Of course, happens all the time.

LEE

Really?

KAY

Yep, nearly every two, three calls. Especially once we get past 3pm. Early dinner, late lunch, afternoon snack – you name it.

LEE

Oh.

KAY

What can I do for you today?

LEE

I recently bought a mattress –

KAY

Congratulations!

LEE

Yes. Thank you. I recently bought a mattress because I wasn’t sleeping well.

KAY

That’s a great reason to buy a mattress.

LEE

It is, I imagine. But there’s a problem.

KAY

Oh no! That’s terrible!

LEE

Thank you for your sympathy, it’s just –

KAY

And what model of mattress did you buy?

LEE

Oh, um… the Penta-Tech Warlock Wonder Cushion?

KAY

Love that mattress. Sooooo soft! And with contact cooling technology that keeps your body comfy all night long.

LEE

I mean, yeah, on paper it looked great, but it seems once I got it home and I –

KAY

Oh! Shoot! Sorry, I forgot to ask. Can I get your name?

LEE

Oh, yeah. My name’s Lee.

KAY

No way! Like the jeans?

LEE

Um, yes. Like the jeans. My… my parents named me after the jeans.

KAY

Oh, well, I’m Kay, named after the jewelers!

LEE

Oh, that’s interesting. How do you… feel about that?

KAY

Well, now I tell people right away when I meet them. That way there’s no time for them to ask. So.

LEE

Maybe I should start doing the same.

KAY

Oh yes. I encourage it. Really helps in the long run for us brand name folks. Anything else I can help you with today?

LEE

Uhhhh, yes. The mattress, you see?

KAY

The mattress you recently bought because you weren’t sleeping well.

LEE

Yes, that mattress.

KAY

The Penta-Tech Warlock Wonder Cushion?

LEE

Right. That one.

KAY

Uh-huh!

LEE

It seems I’m still not sleep –

KAY

Hold on. You know what I just realized?

LEE

Um, what?

KAY

We both have one-syllable names!

LEE

So we do.

KAY

I just think that’s so interesting. It’s not often you meet people with one-syllable names. Can you think of a one-syllable name? I mean, other than ours?

LEE

Well sure, plenty.

KAY

Oh, come on! No way!

LEE

Yeah. Like my dad. His name’s John –

KAY

As in John Deere?

LEE

Yes… as in the tractor. How did you – ?

KAY

Just a hunch. But, okay, sure, John. But beyond Lee, Kay, and John I’m plumb out of more names!

LEE

Okay… Um, Anne? Sue. Tim, Jim, Kim, Prim, Paul, Mark, Luke… Look, I could keep going?

KAY

You’re brilliant! You must be trying to name a baby sometime soon.

LEE

No, I’m not –

KAY

Or a pet?

LEE

No, I don’t have any pets, I –

KAY

Well, for your baby then, might I suggest the name Sears. It’s supposed to be a really popular name in about three years. If you name your baby Sears now, everyone will think the babies three years from now were all named after your baby!

LEE

Sears. Like the company that went out of business?

KAY

Exactly. Brand name. One syllable. Carry on the family tradition.

LEE

I’ll take it into consideration

KAY

I’ve thought about this a lot. My family does that same thing. My mom’s name is See! (pause) As in the candy.

LEE

Huh.

KAY

Uh-huh! Welp, anything else I can help you with today?

LEE

What? Yes! My mattress –

KAY

Is it one you bought from Mattress Magic Empire?

LEE

Yes, it is one I bought from your store, after hearing your ad on the radio –

KAY

(singing the tune)

When your head’s all a mess

cuz you can’t get some rest

And you’re never your best

Cuz your mattress is a pest

Just pitch that mat in the fire

And head on down to the Mattress Magic Empire!

It’s a great ad. Just a great ad.

LEE

Yes, that one. I wasn’t sleeping well and –

KAY

You wanted our magic spell to get you to sleep.

LEE

Right! Well, yes. Or, I mean, I thought something more comfortable could help me-

KAY

Help you (sing-songy) get some rest!

LEE

Yeah, yes, okay. (sing songy) Cuz I was never my best…

KAY

Oh no! I got that little ditty stuck in your head, didn’t I? It’s always stuck in my head.

LEE

Yes. It’s kind of on repeat.

KAY

Oh, is it?

LEE

Yeah, like, nonstop.

KAY

You are so interesting!

LEE

Thank you?

KAY

You’re welcome. Here’s a trick to get that devilish song out of your head… are you ready?

LEE

Um, okay, sure.

KAY

(same tune, with Latin crudely translated by playwright)

Caput dolet multum (your head hurts a lot)

Daemonium habes (you are possessed)

Venit tempus tuam (your time has come)

Serve magni capra (serve the great goat)

Replace that song in your head

A service of the Mattress Magic Empire!

There! Now it’ll be out of both of our heads! Huzzah!

LEE

Interesting. That did seem to work… for now. Thanks.

KAY

You are so welcome. What a productive call. Is that everything for today then?

LEE

Um…

KAY

I’m glad I could help – call again anyti-

LEE

What?! No! Oh my god – the mattress. I’m still not sleeping. I can’t sleep. The mattress didn’t help!

KAY

Really? This almost never happens.

LEE

Well, it happened to me. It’s happening to me.

KAY

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

LEE

Well, I think I’d like to return it cuz, you know, it didn’t work.

KAY

This isn’t looking good for you, Lee.

LEE

Tell me about it. I’m practically having hallucination from how tired I am.

KAY

Lee, you signed an agreement. One that said you would start getting some rest.

LEE

That’s not my fault! Your mattress isn’t helping! I can’t sleep! No matter how I try. It’s like every time I lay down it –

KAY

– it feel a little bit like voices are climbing up your fingertips from the soft, velvety surface of your new mattress and into your bones?

LEE

Wait. Uh, yes. That… that is…

KAY

And no matter how you try to stop them at each joint of the body, which are softly cushioned by the mattress’s three-inch memory foam layer, they keep crawling slowly toward your spine? Relentlessly, one might say?

LEE

Relentless is a good word for it.

KAY

Have you felt them in your spine, which is now being well supported by the Mattress Magic Empire’s dynamic three angle spring design, like a worm chewing its way through your tendons?

LEE

Yes. It’s like they are tracking toward my brain

LEE/KAY

One vertebrae at a time.

KAY

Your lineage was chosen, Lee.

LEE

What?

KAY

The Mattress Magic Empire agreement clearly states that some customers will experience possession at the highest level from our infinite and ancient mattress making secrets.

LEE

It didn’t say that!

KAY

Did you read the fine print, Lee?

LEE

No. No one reads the fine print! It’s all lawyery mumbo jumbo.

KAY

It seems your ancestors were enemies of the ancient ones who helped write the incantation we use in our comforting technology. The curse has found you.

LEE

You mean my ancestor…

KAY

Probably stole a cow or something. It’s usually a cow. Or maybe a pair of shoes. The ancients were very protective of their footwear.

LEE

The voices keep getting more intense. They’re entering my neck as we speak! Make them stop!

KAY

I can’t Lee. It’s too late. You’re being inducted into the Order of the Box Spring Séance. Soon, you will not be yourself.

LEE

All I wanted to do was sleep.

KAY

That’s all any of us wished to do when we bought our first mattress.

LEE

It’s in there! I feel it! It’s like a hot iron on my temples!

KAY

I understand. They took me too.

LEE

And you sell this cursed garbage?!

KAY

What can I say? I’m not myself.

LEE

(shaking) What have you done?!

KAY

I know your instinct says to resist, but the less you fight the faster this will pass.

(LEE becomes fully possessed.
KAY is freed from the curse.)

KAY

(laughing hysterically) I’m free! I’m finally free! I’M FREEEEEEEE! Hahahahaha! (suddenly sober) I’m free. I’m finally free. I… I’m so tired…

(Light fade on KAY as LEE assumes the role of Mattress Magic Empire receptionist. A phone call. LEE answers.)

LEE

Mattress Magic Empire, we’ve got the spell for a full night’s rest. This is Lee! How may I help you?

(pause)

Oh, no, finish your bite of food and then we’ll talk. I’m in no rush.

THE END