CAST OF CHARACTERS

DECLAN 33, musician

OLIVIA, 33, designer

SETTING

Declan’s city apartment

The stage represents a

kitchen/dinning room of a city

apartment. The kitchen is upstage

left, a dining room to the right.

ii.

Scene 1

TIME: 8:00 am.

At rise: OLIVIA, in an oversize

shirt obviously DECLAN’s, is in

the kitchen unloading the

dishwasher and generally clearing

up wine glasses and dishes still

on the table from the night

before. DECLAN enters in sweats

and watches her confusedly for a

moment without her noticing him.

DECLAN

What are you doing out here?

OLIVIA

(A little surprised but

casually.)

Cleaning up. Don’t like to leave things in disarray.

DECLAN

So, you’re leaving?

OLIVIA

I have to at some point. Does this go on the high shelf? Or

under.

DECLAN

Under.

OLIVIA

Good, I’m not that tall anyway.

DECLAN

We just had sex.

OLIVIA

And this?

DECLAN

The side. Are you going to tell me what’s happening?

OLIVIA

We had sex.

DECLAN

Why?

OLIVIA

We wanted to?

DECLAN

I’ve known you for more than fifteen years, and we’ve never

had sex.

OLIVIA

Why is that, do you suppose?

DECLAN

Probably, because it leads to awkward discussions like this

one.

OLIVIA

Quite right. Let’s not have an awkward discussion. Where’s

the coffee? I have to have coffee to get started.

DECLAN points to the cupboard with

the coffee, watching her.

OLIVIA

(She takes down the coffee

and filters)

I thought it was excellent sex, by the way.

DECLAN

I live to serve.

OLIVIA

Don’t do that.

DECLAN

Do what?

OLIVIA

You know.

DECLAN

Does this make us friends with benefits now?

OLIVIA

Would that be so terrible?

NiCK

I don’t know yet. Sex changes things . . .

OLIVIA

Do we have to stick pins in it and fix it to the wall?

DECLAN

I might have to, yes. I like things clear. Written

instructions, contract law.

OLIVIA

That takes most of the fun out of it, don’t you think?

DECLAN

You’ve just been unfaithful to a man you’re planning to

marry. I think I’m entitled to an explanation.

OLIVIA

I haven’t.

DECLAN

I have it on good authority he means to ask you.

OLIVIA

I broke it off with Breme three weeks ago.

DECLAN

What? And you’re just getting around to telling me?

OLIVIA

I wasn’t aware I was expected to report the details of my

personal life to you.

DECLAN

Expected, no. But usually you share every nuance of your

life. You . . . doted on him.

OLIVIA

I didn’t. I never dote.

DECLAN

You do, you did. You were ecstatically happy.

OLIVIA

I wasn’t. He showed me the ring, by the way.

DECLAN

(Gasping)

Good god, you’ve turned him down? And now, I’m Rebound Guy.

OLIVIA

Don’t do that.

DECLAN

You keep saying “don’t do that” but I don’t know what “that”

you’re talking about.

OLIVIA

Don’t start regretting the sex. By the way, he told me you

picked the ring. What were you thinking?

DECLAN

He gave me three to choose from, and it was the least

offensive.

OLIVIA

You know I don’t like diamonds.

DECLAN

I mentioned that, but he was convinced that if he didn’t get

a diamond, you‘d think that he wasn’t serious about marrying

you. And I had to agree that might be so.

OLIVIA

Imagine his surprise when I pointed out he obviously didn’t

know me if he bought a diamond. He blamed you for picking it

out.

DECLAN

Chump. Well, it seems he’d lose either way.

OLIVIA

He’s rich, and he expects me to take what I’m given and be

quiet about it. Like a little lap dog.

DECLAN

He loves you. And until last night, I believed you loved him.

OLIVIA

He knew I wanted a sapphire.

DECLAN

So you going to punish him for picking out a mind-blowingly

expensive, albeit traditional, piece of jewelry?

OLIVIA

Well, if he can’t get that right . . . Never mind, men can’t

understand this sort of thing.

DECLAN

You have lost your mind!

OLIVIA

Actually, I’ve found it.

DECLAN

This is hysterical. You are being hyster . ..

OLIVIA

Men say women are hysterical when they find it difficult to

manage them.

DECLAN

I admit to that. I don’t know how to deal with you

sometimes. You run whenever someone gets close though.

OLIVIA

I wouldn’t talk if I were you. Just to be clear, I broke up

with him before he asked. I didn’t expect him to pick a ring

without consulting me.

DECLAN

So that’s the issue, he hadn’t consulted you? I need to sit

down.

OLIVIA

Maybe you should marry him then.

DECLAN

You are being irrational.

OLIVIA

I’m not.

DECLAN

It’s just a ring. An expensive one at that.

OLIVIA

It is never just a ring, Dec.

DECLAN

But you said you broke up with him before he showed you the

ring.

OLIVIA

I did.

DECLAN

Why?

OLIVIA

I felt inertia.

DECLAN

Inertia? What do you . . .

OLIVIA

Yes. Like everyday from there on out would be exactly the

same as every day had been for the past two years. Stable.

Steady. Uneventful.

DECLAN

You told him that?

OLIVIA

Something along those lines.

DECLAN

But you were happy. I saw you laughing and feeling great.

You went on endlessly about him like he . . . he was a super

hero. You never stopped chattering about him.

OLIVIA

Maybe, I was trying to convince myself.

DECLAN

You can’t be serious. I know you, this is just a detour . . .

OLIVIA

(Getting angry)

Look, it’s my decision. Or is it just hotter screwing an

almost-married woman than a single one?

DECLAN

Hey, I don’t deserve that.

OLIVIA

Don’t you?

DECLAN

You’ll be back together before the end of the month, and

he’ll ask me what happened. You’ll expect me not to tell him

I slept with you, and I’m a very bad liar.

OLIVIA

(Begins tossing pans,

erratically into the

cupboards.)

That might have been possible before I saw the ring, but

after it, the decision was clear.

DECLAN

(Watching her, gets up.)

Let me do this, you’ll hurt yourself. And me.

OLIVIA

I’m not helpless, you know.

DECLAN

Believe me, I am aware of that.

OLIVIA

I mean about the dishes.

DECLAN

Ha. Domestically, you leave a lot to be desired.

OLIVIA

Do you want to make a list of all my shortcomings, so I can

consult it whenever you’re not around to remind me?

DECLAN

I’m simply pointing out the limits of your domestic virtues.

OLIVIA

Oh, here it comes.

DECLAN

What comes?

OLIVIA

The lecture about how I’m always so “challenging.”

DECLAN

Well, you don’t make it easy for men to date you or care

about you. Most of them are completely baffled by your moods,

your idiosyncracies. What woman doesn’t like diamonds, for

example? It’s weird.

OLIVIA

Oh, bite me. And I’d like to point out that what you just

said–lecture!

(She slams a pan onto the

counter.)

DECLAN

Could you at least stop tossing the dishes around? I’m

entitled to one request before the firing squad, I hope.

OLIVIA

So why did you have sex with me, since I am so moody and

idiosyncratic?

DECLAN

I said you had those things, not that you were those things.

OLIVIA

I make it hard on men who date and care for me. Like you?

DECLAN

Well, no. I just always feel like I have to coach your

boyfriends into understanding you.

OLIVIA

Perhaps you should mind your own business.

DECLAN

I’ve only ever wanted to be helpful.

OLIVIA

So you could get somebody to take me off your hands.

DECLAN

What? No.

OLIVIA

You want me off your conscience, admit it.

DECLAN

Why would you say that? Have I ever treated you like a

burden or millstone?

OLIVIA

You are right now.

DECLAN

Exactly what is it you’re mad about? That I’m shocked that

you gave Breme the heave-ho or that we had sex?

OLIVIA

(Laughs.)

The heave-ho! What a funny expression!

DECLAN

You’re not answering the question.

OLIVIA

I’m just pointing out that you are more upset with my breakup

than I am.

DECLAN

Not really.

OLIVIA

Seems so.

DECLAN

I don’t care that you broke up, but you seem unnerved, coming

out here doing something you’d never normally do at this time

of day.

OLIVIA

So I’m a slacker, to boot?

DECLAN

I don’t know what’s going on with you. You usually tell me

everything. You’ve finished with a man you were crazy about

a month ago. And adding casual sex to our relationship could

change everything.

OLIVIA

Like what?

DECLAN

Well, I don’t know. That’s why I want to clarify things.

OLIVIA

It wasn’t casual, as I remember it. The sex.

DECLAN

(Pauses)

Admittedly, it wasn’t.

OLIVIA

(To the skillet)

So, it’s established it wasn’t casual.

DECLAN

I just said it wasn’t.

(Takes the skillet from her.)

OLIVIA

And? I assume you’ve had sex before.

DECLAN

Not with you I haven’t.

OLIVIA

Was it different than you expected?

DECLAN

What? I didn’t expect. I never expect . . .

OLIVIA

Well, don’t be a bastard. Am I so unattractive that in

fifteen years you’ve never imagined us in the sack?

DECLAN

Of course, you are, but . . .

OLIVIA

We’ve kissed before.

DECLAN

Yes. I remember we kissed.

OLIVIA

But you’ve never made a pass until last night.

DECLAN

You were the one that made the pass last night.

OLIVIA

Me?

DECLAN

Yes, you. You kissed me.

OLIVIA

Okay, let’s just say, for the sake of argument only, that I

kissed you. All the more curious that you never made a pass.

DECLAN

I didn’t imagine I was, you know, even in the running.

Besides, that is a loaded question.

OLIVIA

Is it? How so? Was it because of our friend, Daniel, that you

never . . . ?

DECLAN

What does Daniel have to do with this? Is that what this is

about? You want Daniel back?

(Tosses the skillet.)

OLIVIA

Oh, please, I want to know why you and I never had sex

before? Was it because once in 15 years Daniel and I dated,

and you’ve been unnecessarily loyal?

DECLAN

That’s ridiculous.

OLIVIA

We’ve known each other long enough. It wouldn’t have been

surprising if we’d had sex. People certainly expected us to.

DECLAN

Who expected us to?

OLIVIA

Daniel, for one.

DECLAN

See, we’re back to Daniel.

OLIVIA

Okay, Margaret. Margaret actually refuses to believe we

haven’t had sex.

DECLAN

My sister, Margaret?

OLIVIA

The very same.

DECLAN

Well, she’s just being nosy.

OLIVIA

Alas! The question remains.

DECLAN

Alas?

OLIVIA

Alas.

DECLAN

Have you been drinking?

OLIVIA

That’s it! In the time it took you to shower, I’ve been out

here downing Jello shots.

DECLAN

You had a considerable amount of brandy last night.

OLIVIA

Then I’d be hung over, not drunk.

DECLAN

Is that why we had sex? Because of all the brandy?

OLIVIA

I’d like to point out that we’ve had brandy before.

DECLAN

I know but we drank the whole bottle.

OLIVIA

It was only half full.

DECLAN

Three quarters.

OLIVIA

Fine. Three quarters, but the question still remains.

DECLAN

And what is your answer to that question?

OLIVIA

Chicken shit.

DECLAN

Who?

OLIVIA

Both of us.

DECLAN

Well . . . Well, what do you mean by chicken shit?

OLIVIA

You and me have been too afraid of what might happen if we

had sex.

DECLAN

Why should we be frightened by that?

OLIVIA

You spent the last ten minutes trying to clarify. For the

sake of world peace, was it?

DECLAN

I assure you, I . . . am . . . I’m not afraid of having sex

with you. I just did, didn’t I?

OLIVIA

(Laughing)

Oh, my god, you so are.

DECLAN

I just treat friends differently than lovers.

OLIVIA

Of course, you do. That’s why you’re still with the married

cellist.

DECLAN

Alright. I’m a little nervous, but only because it’s a

slippery slope to have sex with friends.

OLIVIA

Whereas sex with strangers is a cake-walk.

DECLAN

Why are you out here clanging pots and pans?

OLIVIA

I admit, it scares me shitless.

DECLAN

What am I, an ogre?

OLIVIA

Oh, for heaven sake.

DECLAN

Just asking.

OLIVIA

For clarity?

DECLAN

Yes, yes, for clarity.

OLIVIA

Yes, you are an ogre.

DECLAN

What? . . .

OLIVIA

You had to ask!

DECLAN

What exactly are we talking about here?

OLIVIA

Sex. We wanted to, we had the opportunity, and now we have

to pick it apart bit by little bit before it causes

complications.

DECLAN

What sort of complications?

OLIVIA

You tell me Mr. Needs-clarity.

DECLAN

I need to know whether we are opening up eh . . . eh

OLIVIA

Can of worms?

DECLAN

Pandora’s box.

OLIVIA

At least, that’s a better metaphor. Not by much though.

DECLAN

You said you wanted to.

OLIVIA

I did. Did you?

DECLAN

Yes, we wanted to and we did.

OLIVIA

Right.

DECLAN

So from time to time, we might have sex with one another. Is

that it? Since you and Breme are no longer an item.

OLIVIA

How often is time to time?

DECLAN

I don’t know, it could be once . . . a . . . a, once a month

perhaps?

OLIVIA

Or more? Maybe even regularly.

DECLAN

(Hesitantly.)

That could be a possibility.

OLIVIA

Or, now, just think about this.

DECLAN

Yes?

OLIVIA

We might have sex after going to a movie or dinner or a night

out.

DECLAN

Might we?

OLIVIA

Yes.

DECLAN

You don’t think that’s a gray area?

OLIVIA

It could be, but we often do all of those things a few times

a month anyway.

DECLAN

That’s true, we do, but would we be required to?

OLIVIA

After just one night, you’re worried the sex will be

obligatory?

DECLAN

We’re clarifying things. Hypothetically.

OLIVIA

No. Never required. Hypothetically.

DECLAN

But what? Expected?

OLIVIA

No, not expected? Maybe . . .

DECLAN

Anticipated?

OLIVIA

Hoped for?

DECLAN

Well, is that even possible? I mean when I go out with

someone, unless it’s you, that is, I anticipate a favorable

ending.

OLIVIA

And I provide an unfavorable ending?

DECLAN

No, of course not.

OLIVIA

But you’ve found anticipation works out for you?

DECLAN

More often than not.

OLIVIA

I’m sticking with hoped for.

DECLAN

Okay, I can live with that.

OLIVIA

The other area of concern is the personal.

DECLAN

What do you mean area of concern?

OLIVIA

Well, like you said before, I tend to tell you every nuance

of my life.

DECLAN

You do.

OLIVIA

And I think you’d agree, you share much of your life as well

with me.

DECLAN

Not everything though.

OLIVIA

I’ll chalk that up to you’re being a man. May we still share

our . . . What shall I call it? Dating details.

DECLAN

Ah.

OLIVIA

Will that be a problem?

DECLAN

Why should it be?

OLIVIA

So if I told you I’m going out with someone tonight, do I

still get to call you tomorrow and give details?

DECLAN

I see what you mean. Well, I don’t know.

OLIVIA

Would you feel jealous?

DECLAN

Jealous? No!

OLIVIA

Okay.

DECLAN

Not jealous but perhaps a little, just a tad, guarded.

OLIVIA

In other words, no, we should not share those things anymore.

DECLAN

Probably not.

OLIVIA

Okay.

DECLAN

Wouldn’t you feel a little jealous if I shared. . .?

OLIVIA

Depends on who it is.

DECLAN

What do you mean?

OLIVIA

Well, if you talking about the cellist, it’s actually pretty

entertaining.

DECLAN

And if you get back with Breme? Should I be entertained?

OLIVIA

What a ridiculous name. Why didn’t I see that before? Why

didn’t you see it?

DECLAN

I thought you were happy.

OLIVIA

It sounds like a household product, for goodness sake.

DECLAN

Back to the question at hand.

OLIVIA

Which is?

DECLAN

Sharing dating details.

OLIVIA

I thought we agreed not to.

DECLAN

I think we could still share, but we should have a code word

if one of us feels . . .

OLIVIA

Guarded?

DECLAN

Yes.

OLIVIA

Like what?

DECLAN

Like . . . featherbed.

OLIVIA

What?

DECLAN

Or something else.

OLIVIA

(Laughing)

Featherbed? Is there some reason that word springs to mind?

DECLAN

Maybe.

OLIVIA

Is it from the cellist?

DECLAN

No, it’s from a John Denver song.

OLIVIA

John Denver? Who is John Denver?

DECLAN

He’s a singer from the seventies. My dad listens to him.

Grandma’s Featherbed is the song. It just came to mind.

Really, it doesn’t matter, we can use anything.

OLIVIA

Grandma? Sex with me brings Grandma to mind?

DECLAN

A code word to derail the discussion about our exes.

18.

OLIVIA

(Pauses to look him over)

Featherbed is okay. It’s just weird enough to serve.

DECLAN

Good.

OLIVIA

So. Anything else?

DECLAN

What if we, or one of us, starts to feel, I don’t know, a

greater degree of affection, shall we say, than the other,

what then?

OLIVIA

Ah, well, then we have to renegotiate.

DECLAN

Renegotiate? Are we negotiating?

OLIVIA

If one of us wants to see the other more frequently than two

or three times a month, say.

DECLAN

That’s another awkward conversation.

OLIVIA

What do you suggest?

DECLAN

I think we have to agree to stop if one of us wants more than

benefits.

OLIVIA

Ah, so, no conversation, just becoming unavailable.

DECLAN

Not necessarily. We should have the right to call the end of

the game though.

OLIVIA

So it’s a game?

DECLAN

I’m better with sports metaphors.

OLIVIA

But what if one of us thinks the other is getting more

“affectionate,” and it’s not that at all?

DECLAN

What do you mean?

OLIVIA

It’s not the end of the game, just the end of an inning, say.

DECLAN

Ah, an inning.

OLIVIA

It might be just another turn at bat that’s mutually

beneficial.

DECLAN

I see.

OLIVIA

One of us could be thinking the game is over, and it’s really

a . . . a . . . change of innings.

DECLAN

It’s the seventh inning stretch!

OLIVIA

Exactly. There’s still 2 innings left to play.

DECLAN

Yes. Maybe there’s a change of pitchers. Or, the bases are

loaded, and a full count, two outs, but the guy on third is

poised to steal home.

OLIVIA

Yeah, I have no idea what you are talking about now.

DECLAN

You know baseball.

OLIVIA

Yes, but I have never applied it to my love life.

DECLAN

Well, I mean, it could also be a pop fly that could go fair

or foul.

OLIVIA

I got nothing.

DECLAN

Never mind. Still, it’s one thing to lose benefits but

another to loose a fifteen year friendship.

OLIVIA

True. That wouldn’t be good.

DECLAN

No. Definitely not.

OLIVIA

Maybe we should just forget benefits altogether.

DECLAN

Meaning, no sex again. Go back to being friends only.

OLIVIA

Yes.

DECLAN

Yes. (Pause) That would keep the boundaries clear. We

wouldn’t need a code word.

OLIVIA

Or the awkward conversations.

DECLAN

Right. Or . . .

OLIVIA

Or?

DECLAN

We set one day aside every few months to reevaluate. No

pressure, just give a scouting report on how we see the . . .

game progressing.

OLIVIA

Once a month.

DECLAN

That often?

OLIVIA

Yep.

DECLAN

Once a month?

OLIVIA

Today’s the 12th, so we reassess next month on the twelfth.

DECLAN

Sure, but February only has 28 days, so it wouldn’t

technically be a month.

OLIVIA

Actually, technically, it would be the month of February.

DECLAN

Yes, but it’s four weeks and . . . well . . .

OLIVIA

We can skip February altogether. It’s a risky month with

Valentine’s day, and a couple is lucky to make it through

that month at all.

DECLAN

Deal.

OLIVIA

Deal.

They shake hands.

DECLAN

(awkwardly)

Alright. Yes.

OLIVIA

Great.

DECLAN

Seems we ought to have something more than a handshake.

OLIVIA

Well, we could, shall we say, return to the field.

DECLAN

That would definitely be in order.

(He moves in closer to her.)

They kiss.

OLIVIA

(Drawing back.)

You said, I run away whenever someone gets close.

DECLAN

That was probably a little harsh. I didn’t mean . . .

OLIVIA

I’m not saying you’re wrong, mind you. Heaven knows, I’ve had

a slew of love affairs. Before Breme, there was Allen and

before that Jeffery, and Michael . . .

DECLAN

Featherbed, featherbed.

OLIVIA

Sorry. But it’s just as possible that I’m . . .

DECLAN

(Wanting to kiss her again)

Let’s just forget . . .

OLIVIA

(Ignoring him.)

Not running away from anyone. I might be simply coming back

to same person again and again.

DECLAN

The same person? Like Daniel?

OLIVIA

(Laughs.)

The person who picks me up when I’ve broken down, who feeds

me dinner.

(Gestures to the table.)

Buys me brandy. Explains me to my boyfriends . . .

DECLAN

That’s . . . even a possibility?

OLIVIA

(She kisses him.)

Hypothetically speaking.

DECLAN

I admit . . . I . . . much prefer that explanation.

OLIVIA

Do you?

DECLAN

Yes.

OLIVIA

Well, then . . .

(She moves in closer to him)

They kiss and exit toward the

bedroom, tossing clothes as they

go.

End of play.